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" As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone. "

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" Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own. "

" Individuality or Unity? I say there's room for both. "

" Get tough: don't work under pressure; work over pressure. "

" Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live. "

" I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed? "

" I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever. "

" Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary. "

" He has your finger, but I have your heart. "

" I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home? "

" I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous. "

" Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool! "

" Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart. "

" You might not be able to stomach it, but as long as you can mind it, your heart will be all right. "

" What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found? "

" Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both. "

" Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel. "

" Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris. "

" The only way to get under me is to get over yourself. "

" True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't. "

" Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life. "

" I'll take a redrum with a rellik please. "