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" True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't. "

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" He has your finger, but I have your heart. "

" Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris. "

" The only way to get under me is to get over yourself. "

" Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life. "

" Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel. "

" What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found? "

" A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both. "

" Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary. "

" Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both. "

" I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever. "

" I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed? "

" Individuality or Unity? I say there's room for both. "

" You might not be able to stomach it, but as long as you can mind it, your heart will be all right. "

" Get tough: don't work under pressure; work over pressure. "

" I'll take a redrum with a rellik please. "

" Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart. "

" I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home? "

" Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own. "

" Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool! "

" As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone. "

" Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live. "

" Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source. "