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" Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own. "

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" I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home? "

" True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't. "

" You might not be able to stomach it, but as long as you can mind it, your heart will be all right. "

" Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart. "

" Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both. "

" Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool! "

" Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary. "

" Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life. "

" Get tough: don't work under pressure; work over pressure. "

" I'll take a redrum with a rellik please. "

" I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous. "

" I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever. "

" He has your finger, but I have your heart. "

" What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found? "

" Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live. "

" As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone. "

" Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris. "

" Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source. "

" Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel. "

" I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed? "

" Individuality or Unity? I say there's room for both. "

" A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both. "

" Just because you're upfront with someone doesn't mean you're an honest person; you might just be someone in the passenger seat. "