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" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

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" I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Okay

Love

Hate

" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Dog

Trust

" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

" You have to really be on your own side. "

" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "

" Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, 'You hate yourself.' You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Work

Said

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Funny

Andy

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

Two

Remember

" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

" By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat. "

" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "

" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "