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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

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" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Funny

Happy

Woman

" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "

" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "

" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Dog

Trust

" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

" Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. "

" The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Conservative

Dress

" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

" I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger. "

" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Better Person

Loving

" I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built. "

" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

" I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net. "

" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "