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" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

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" In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him. "

Lisa Lampanelli

End

Hair

You

" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Better Person

Loving

" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

" I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'. "

" I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. "

" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

People

God

" Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. "

" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Dog

Trust

" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

" I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net. "

" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "

" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Trouble

Left

" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "

" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

" I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Boat

Ugly