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" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

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" Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show. "

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" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

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" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

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" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

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" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

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" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

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" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

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" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

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" You have to really be on your own side. "

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" With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that. "

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" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

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" I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap. "

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" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

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" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

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" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "

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" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

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" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

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" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

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" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

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" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

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" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

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" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

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" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

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" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

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" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

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" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "

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" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

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