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" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Gonna
Ruin
Reputation
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" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Me
Dog
Trust
" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Trying
Health
Sick
" The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Me
Dating
Time
" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Know
Group
Ignorance
" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Start
Mystery
Journalism
" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Better Person
Me
Loving
" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "
Lisa Lampanelli
People
Me
God
" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "
Lisa Lampanelli
People
Art
Listening
" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Stay
You
Celebrity
" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Life
Real Life
You
" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Lost
Skinny
Feelings
" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Political
Weird
Comic
" You have to really be on your own side. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Own
Really
Side
" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Always
You
I Love
" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Nice
Work
You
" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Place
Real
Working
" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "
Lisa Lampanelli
My Life
People
Life
" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Always
Continue
Done
" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Any
Darker
Flavor
" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Twenty
Journalist
Doing
" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Choir
People
Wrong
" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Wake Up
Me
Good
" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Only
Reason
Comic
" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Complain
Never
People
" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Saying
Anymore
Word
" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "
Lisa Lampanelli
New
Never
New York
" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Reality
Hide
I Am
" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Nobody
Sick
You
" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Time
Fun
God
" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "
Lisa Lampanelli
Lunch
Three
Feel