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" Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

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" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

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" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

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" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

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" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

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" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

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" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

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" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

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" The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. "

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" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

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" You have to really be on your own side. "

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" I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. "

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" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

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" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

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" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

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" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

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" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

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" When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something. "

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" Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. "

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" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

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" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

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" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

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" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

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" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

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" Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump. "

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" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

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" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

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