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" Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. "

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" Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. "

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" When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. "

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" Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way. "

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" As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it. "

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" I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. "

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" A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. "

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" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

Zach Galifianakis

" You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My forte is awkwardness. "

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" There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. "

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" I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. "

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" My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

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" When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically. "

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" I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes. "

Zach Galifianakis

" A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing. "

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" People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it. "

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" I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do. "

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" Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...? "

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" Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian. "

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" Comedians paint ourselves into corners all the time, and tastes in comedy change. The guy in 'The Hangover' was a really fun character to do, and it was easy to do. But you have to find other things because audiences will let you do that for a little bit, and then they're like, 'What else do you have for us, monkey?' "

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" I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15. "

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" Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier. "

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" Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. "

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" I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. "

Zach Galifianakis