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" There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. "

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" My real last name is Galifianakisburg. "

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" My forte is awkwardness. "

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" I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. "

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" I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging. "

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" A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. "

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" Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...? "

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" I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. "

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" Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. "

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" We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics. "

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" I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling. "

Zach Galifianakis

" People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, 'brand,' and it's like, 'All right, if that's the way you want to look at yourself.' Diet Pepsi's a brand; you're a human being. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. "

Zach Galifianakis

" We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

Zach Galifianakis

" That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier. "

Zach Galifianakis

" When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. "

Zach Galifianakis