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" I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. "

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" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

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" My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis. "

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" When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. "

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" I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. "

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" I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. "

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" Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it. "

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" I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. "

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" I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do. "

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" My forte is awkwardness. "

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" We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics. "

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" The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore. "

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" A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing. "

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" Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...? "

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" I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. "

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" That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? "

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" I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that. "

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" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

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" Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian. "

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" As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger. "

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" I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. "

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" When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. "

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" I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. "

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" We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. "

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" Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. "

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" There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend. "

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