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" I'm a fang-toothed, blob-nosed, slouchy slob. "

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" I like the ironic pomposity of a stand-up comedian. Like all those comedians thinking they can bring down Coca-Cola. They forget to be funny. "

" As an artist, you want as many people as possible to see your work with no interference. And usually, I've gone onto fringe channels: BBC Two, HBO, Channel 4. "

" I didn't know I was poor, growing up, because everyone was in the same boat. I couldn't have bikes. It never really bothered me, but I could have any book. I loved school; I loved learning. Yeah, I never cared for possessions. I still don't, really. "

" With the Internet era and social media and politics being so out there with the lies, now you've got people denying things they're on camera doing, and then you've got people not really caring about the truth. You've got people supporting people who've done horrific things, but just don't want the other side to get any satisfaction. "

" I think you can make fun of anything except things people can't help. They can't help their race or their sex or their age, so you ridicule their pretension or their ego instead. You can ridicule ideas - ideas don't have feelings. You can ridicule an idea that someone holds without hurting them. "

" I've avoided doing a network comedy, because I wouldn't get my own way. Even though it would get more viewers, it wouldn't be mine. "

" I don't do karaoke. I don't dance, even at weddings. I'm the grumpy one sitting down drinking wine. "

" The only thing that really depresses me is animal cruelty. "

" Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away. "

" I was never ambitious. I was never ambitious at school. "

" I think Spielberg is a master. I think 'Jaws' invented a genre. "

" I think comedies should be short. I don't want to be self-indulgent; I don't want a two-hour comedy. "

" If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail. So I go about my days trying to bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. And then everyone gets furious about it. And then I sit back and say, 'I did that!' "

" I love UFC, vigilante films, and any acts of merciless heroism. "

" Karl Pilkington has the roundest head, I think, in the world. It's not technically a deformity, but I've never seen anything quite that spherical. "

" When I go to work, I don't want to make depressing, gritty, urban stories that are depressing to watch. I want to give people something to enjoy. When people think I'm a control freak and an ogre - which I am - it's only because I want my work to be accessible and Everyman, in a way. "

" Believe it or not, I work out regularly. "

" Humor is to get us over terrible things. "

" I don't do one-liners, because you don't learn anything about that comedian. "

" There are no Hollywood stars speaking out for the elderly. They're forgotten, bewildered, and I don't think it's because people are cruel or don't care. It's because you don't want to think about your own mortality. I think people don't talk about it enough. "

" Where there's a will - there's a relative! "

" I like grown-up comedy, where it's about character and attitude and life as opposed to obvious gross-out and jokes. "

" Ego is hilarious - especially the vanity of a comedian. As soon as you see one start worrying about how cool he is or about how many stadiums he can fill, he stops being funny. "

" A couple of people I knew went to university apart from me, but all the way through I was the smartest kid in the school. That's luck, but I was proud of it. And I was also proud of doing well without trying. As you get older, and it took me a long time to realise it, that's a disgusting attitude, revolting. "

" Sometimes being old is used as an insult, which is bizarre because, if you're lucky, that's literally going to happen to you. It's a strange thing to gloat about: being born recently. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" Honor is a gift a man gives himself. You can be as good as anyone that ever lived. If you can read, you can learn everything that anyone ever learned. But you've got to want it. "

" I think our elderly are forgotten sometimes. "

" I think Dustin Hoffman has been in at least three of my favorite movies of all time with things like 'Tootsie,' 'Marathon Man.' Getting a bit more arthouse and darker, 'The Graduate' - incredible, barrier-breaking movie, 'The Graduate.' "

" I see my real job now as - never mind 'The Office,' 'Extras,' film career, Emmys - I want everyone in the world to know who Karl Pilkington is. "