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" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

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" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "

Lisa Lampanelli

She

Left

Dead

" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

People

God

" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

" Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show. "

" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

" I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap. "

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

" I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. "

" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

Two

Remember

" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

" I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. "

" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "