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" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

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" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "

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" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

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" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

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" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

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" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

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" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

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" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

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" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

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" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

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" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

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" In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

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" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

" The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me. "

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" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

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" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

Lisa Lampanelli