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" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

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" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Better Person

Loving

" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

" The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. "

" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

" I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap. "

" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

" In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him. "

" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

" I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'. "

" Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair. "

" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "

" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Trouble

Left

" I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. "

" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

" I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built. "

" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

" Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, 'You hate yourself.' You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Work

Said

" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "