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" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "
Elayne Boosler
Afraid
Comedians
Outside
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" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "
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" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "
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" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "
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" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "
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" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "
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" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "
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" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "
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" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "
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" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "
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" The message of great art is to disturb. "
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Great Art
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" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "
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" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "
Elayne Boosler
Working
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Never
" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "
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Belief
Congress
America
" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "
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Same
Keep
Sweater
" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "
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Person
Trapped
Body
" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "
Elayne Boosler
History
Car
Thankful
" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "
Elayne Boosler
Place
Breakfast
Morning
" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "
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" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "
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Born
Rule
Mothers
" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "
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Choice
Losing
Money
" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "
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Day
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Comedy
" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "
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Eight
Party
" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "
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" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "
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Liberal
Politics
People
" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "
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Hair
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Dog
" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "
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" I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with. "
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" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "
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Men
Wilderness
Ancestors
" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "
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Find
Us
You