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" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "
Elayne Boosler
See
Phone
Breath
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" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "
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" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "
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" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "
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" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "
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" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "
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" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "
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" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "
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" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "
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" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "
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" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "
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" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "
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" My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. "
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" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "
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" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "
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" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "
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" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "
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" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "
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" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "
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" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "
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" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "
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" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "
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" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "
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" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "
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" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "
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" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "
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" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "
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" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "
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" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "
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" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "
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