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" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "
Elayne Boosler
Liberal
Politics
People
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" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "
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" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "
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" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "
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" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "
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" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "
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" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "
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" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "
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" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "
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" Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. "
Elayne Boosler
Speech
Court
Now
" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "
Elayne Boosler
Men
Wilderness
Ancestors
" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "
Elayne Boosler
Me
Money
Myself
" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "
Elayne Boosler
Joke
Issues
Pretty
" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "
Elayne Boosler
Place
Truth
Thought
" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "
Elayne Boosler
Never
Been
Able
" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "
Elayne Boosler
Organization
Animal
Movies
" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "
Elayne Boosler
Basketball
Three
Find
" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "
Elayne Boosler
Much
Than
Theater
" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "
Elayne Boosler
Food
Eight
Party
" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "
Elayne Boosler
Food
Thankful
Me
" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "
Elayne Boosler
Hair
You
Dog
" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "
Elayne Boosler
Bald
You
Woman
" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "
Elayne Boosler
I Am
Thankful
People
" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "
Elayne Boosler
Human
Me
Newspaper
" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "
Elayne Boosler
Up
Again
Morals
" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "
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Thinking
Shopping
Men
" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "
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Afraid
Comedians
Outside
" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "
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Funny
Had
Always
" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "
Elayne Boosler
People
Animals
Cute
" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "
Elayne Boosler
Alone
Know
Men
" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "
Elayne Boosler
Night
Year
Almost