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" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

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" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" The message of great art is to disturb. "

" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "