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" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

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" My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "