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" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

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" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "

" My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. "

" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "