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" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

Elayne Boosler

Day

You

Comedy

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" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

Elayne Boosler

Money

Myself

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "

Elayne Boosler

Human

Newspaper

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. "

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

Elayne Boosler

Working

Never

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

Elayne Boosler

Audience

You

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

Elayne Boosler

Food

Thankful

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "