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" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "
Elayne Boosler
Place
Breakfast
Morning
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" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "
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" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "
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" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "
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" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "
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Had
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" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "
Elayne Boosler
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" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "
Elayne Boosler
Organization
Animal
Movies
" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "
Elayne Boosler
Working
Me
Never
" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "
Elayne Boosler
Up
Again
Morals
" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "
Elayne Boosler
Die
Think
Death
" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "
Elayne Boosler
Space
Lost
Young
" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "
Elayne Boosler
Night
Year
Almost
" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "
Elayne Boosler
Liberal
Politics
People
" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "
Elayne Boosler
Done
Final
Guy
" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "
Elayne Boosler
You
Sides
Reading
" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "
Elayne Boosler
Alone
Know
Men
" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "
Elayne Boosler
Born
Rule
Mothers
" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "
Elayne Boosler
Never
Been
Able
" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "
Elayne Boosler
See
Phone
Breath
" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "
Elayne Boosler
Human
Me
Newspaper
" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "
Elayne Boosler
Money
Great
Giving
" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "
Elayne Boosler
I Am
Thankful
People
" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "
Elayne Boosler
Much
Than
Theater
" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "
Elayne Boosler
Think
Women
Myself
" The message of great art is to disturb. "
Elayne Boosler
Great
Great Art
Art
" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "
Elayne Boosler
God
World
I Am
" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "
Elayne Boosler
History
Car
Thankful
" I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with. "
Elayne Boosler
People
Away
I Think
" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "
Elayne Boosler
Great
Chance
People
" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "
Elayne Boosler
Life
Page
Long
" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "
Elayne Boosler
People
Animals
Cute