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" We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans. "

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" I like to have interesting things to write about. And when one says something is 'interesting,' one almost always means 'bad.' "

" Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. "

" Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants. "

" The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. "

" There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages. "

" I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I'm not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses. "

" When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital. "

" Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. "

" I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer. "

" Hubris is one of the great renewable resources. "

" When I'm in the car, I want the only one shouting to be me. "

" As a longtime former resident of 15 years in Washington, I wish that everybody would stay off the Mall with their political cause so that we can get out there, you know, and play flag football or Frisbee, or walk the dog or something - you know, which is, you know, what the National Mall should be for, in my personal opinion. "

" Rich people don't like to be in the military. The shoes are ugly and the uniforms itch. Rich people don't go in much for revolution or terrorism, either. "

" Sometimes the right response to evil is an appeal to powerful and effective social organization - an appeal to civilization itself. "

" Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort. "

" People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans. "

" When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money. "

" A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. "

" Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. "

" Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. "

" I come from Toledo, Ohio, a town that has been hurt badly by the shift of the automobile business towards Japan. And yet I remember how the car workers lived in the neighborhood that I grew up in. My father was a car salesman, and I remember how we lived. I remember how modestly we lived. "

" America's grossly unfair tax system won't lead to class war. Or, if it does, the war will be brief. "

" I don't think anybody's really been successful with theorizing about value or creating a price theory. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" It's hard to be serious in life. "

" My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of course, the Earth. "

" Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. "

" Demolishing pretensions, especially worthy ones, is a hallmark of the baby boom. "

" I like fiction and the kind of history that gives the grace and flavor of fiction to the past. No bloviation on current events, please. I can write that junk myself. "

" Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information. "