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" Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information. "

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" The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants. "

" As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live. "

" The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around. "

" Democrats hate stay-at-home spouses, no matter what gender or gender preference. "

" Fascism is very much a mob movement. "

" War expands government powers. The trouble is that, when the war goes away, the government powers do not. "

" Libertarianism is a way of measuring how the government and other kinds of systems respect the individual. At the core of libertarianism is the idea that the individual is sacrosanct and that anything that's done contrary to the well-being of the individual needs some pretty serious justification. "

" There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. "

" Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. "

" Accuse a person of breaking all Ten Commandments, and you've written the promo blurb for the dust cover of his tell-all memoir. "

Ten Commandments

" Harvard is the home of American ideas. "

" There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives. "

" I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger. "

" I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I'm not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses. "

" Modern elites live in bubbles of liberal affluence like Ann Arbor, Brookline, the Upper West Side, Palo Alto, or Chevy Chase. These places used to have impoverished neighborhoods nearby, but the poor people got chased out by young singles living in group homes, hipsters, and urban homesteading gay couples. "

" Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. "

" In the language of politics, there is only one translation for the phrase 'hope and change,' to wit: 'big, fat government.' "

" Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. "

" Democrats hate Democrats most of all. "

" Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present. "

" I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. "

" I think that humor has become a principle means of communication among Americans about politics. "

" The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out. "

" Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease. "

" Rahm Emanuel is, we are almost certain, a vampire. "

" Richard Nixon was the best thing that ever happened to journalism. I mean this guy was wonderful. Just when you thought he could get no worse, he got worse. "

" I had always thought of Egypt as a rather secular country. And I think it is, but people are quite observant of the strictures of Ramadan. "

" As a nation, Kuwait has been, arguably, free of freedom itself. Claimed in turn by Constantinople, Riyadh, and Baghdad, Kuwait has survived by playing Turks off Persians, Arabs off one another, and the English off everyone. "

" The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. "

" The two most frightening words in Washington are 'bipartisan consensus.' Bipartisan consensus is when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help. "