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" With comedy, you have no place to go but more comedy, so you're never off the hook. "

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" Nothing I do is done by popular demand. "

" I don't think anyone is ever writing so that you can throw it away. You're always writing it to be something. Later, you decide whether it'll ever see the light of day. But at the moment of its writing, it's always meant to be something. So, to me, there's no practicing; there's only editing and publishing or not publishing. "

" A record isn't like a movie - you can get it together pretty fast. "

" I thought if I had a Twitter feed and say I had a following of a 100,000, that means 100,000 of them would be interested in my book. It was logical, but it didn't turn out to be true. It turned out if I had a Twitter feed of a 100,000, four of them were interested in my book. "

" Movies always are open to being remade because times change so much, and the tempo of movies changes. I think of it like a James Bond. They can have different actors play the same role... I've had people come up to me and say, 'We want to remake 'The Jerk' with so and so.' And I say, 'Fine.' It just doesn't bother me. It's an honor actually. "

" I love technology, and I love science. It's just always all in the way you use it. So there's no - you can't really blame anything on the technology. It's just the way people use it, and it always has been. "

" Anytime you look at anything that's considered artistic, there's a commercial world around it: the ballet, opera, any kind of music. It can't exist without it. "

" I'm tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period. "

" What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. "

" You want to be a bit compulsive in your art or craft or whatever you do. You want to be focused on it. "

" I have thought about some kind of musical involving my music. That would be kind of interesting. I have thought of it in that way, as a creator of something, not so much a performer. So that's in my head. "

" I think when I was young, let's call it high school, and even before that, I just loved comedy, and I loved comedians. I grew up watching Laurel and Hardy. That's really a long time ago. I loved Jerry Lewis. I just loved comedians. "

" Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty. "

" L.A. is only where you live, because otherwise it's just a sprawling mass of everything, and I think if you live in L.A., you get a little network of places you go, and people you see, and when you leave town, you do miss those places and your friends. "

" You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies. "

" I loved to make people laugh in high school, and then I found I loved being on stage in front of people. I'm sure that's some kind of ego trip or a way to overcome shyness. I was very kind of shy and reserved, so there's a way to be on stage and be performing and balance your life out. "

" I really enjoy finding the right word, creating a good, flowing sentence. I enjoy the rhythm of the words. "

" I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it. "

" I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. "

" An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be. "

" I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. "

" I never thought much about success early on. I only thought about being a comedian - or just being in show business, is really more accurate. "

" I'm enamored with the art world. "

" Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! "

" I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers. "

" The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready. "

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. "

" I was raised with 'Laurel and Hardy' and 'I Love Lucy' and Jerry Lewis, and I just loved it. And I had a friend in high school and we would just laugh all day and put on skits. You know, it's the Andy Kaufman thing or the Marty Short thing where you're performing in your bedroom for yourself. "

" Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. "