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" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
" Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "