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" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
" Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. "
" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "
" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "
" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
" Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
" My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. "
" The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. "
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "