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" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

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" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Lost

Skinny

Feelings

" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

" You have to really be on your own side. "

" Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair. "

" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

Two

Remember

" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

" Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show. "

" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

People

God

" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Better Person

Loving

" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

" Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Advice

Lose

" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

" I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. "

" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "