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" A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. "

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" We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. "

" When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? "

" My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly. "

" When I went home from Juilliard, I couldn't find acting work. "

" I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing. "

" I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people. "

" I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way. "

" A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys. "

" For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see. "

" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

" I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process. "

" People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. "

" Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started. "

" I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal. "

" No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. "

Change The World

" Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work! "

" Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it. "

" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "

" Carpe per diem - seize the check. "

" My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled. "

" It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work. "

" You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. "

" Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet. "

" I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?' "

" I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor. "

" The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on. "

" The idea of Juilliard was that it would give you this toolbox full of skills that you could take with you and apply to anything. "

" Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly. "