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" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

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" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "

" Cure for an obsession: get another one. "

" I think my funny books are my favorites because I like to laugh so much. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" It's funny: I can never sleep between shows; I think it's because I don't like to switch the motor off. I'll probably have some chicken or pasta, though never the two together, and maybe go out for a quick wander around. "

" When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. "

" I think that I come off as, 'Nothing bothers me, I don't care! I'm funny and sassy.' But I'm deeply sensitive. Not only about myself but to others. Not to pat myself on the back, empathy is a quality I've cultivated over my life. It came naturally to me as a child. "

" When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. "

" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. "

" People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. "

" It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! "

" I am the shortest and least funny person in my family. "

Heather Donahue

" An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. "

George Jean Nathan

" I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way. "

" The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "

Terry Pratchett

" I grew up in a funny way. "

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" The great thing for me about 'The Resurrection of Gavin Stone' is it's a throwback to the old fashioned Hollywood movie that you can watch with your family, has a message, and is funny and entertaining. They didn't call them faith-based movies; they just called them good movies. "

" Everybody complains about getting older, but I find it such a rich time of life. There are negative things about it, I suppose, but more than that, I'm finding it to be a very positive experience in which growth suggests itself in a much more alluring way than it did when I was young - isn't that funny? "

" Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. "

Stephen Hawking

" The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction. "

" I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. "

Michael Crichton

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "

" I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. "

" The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on. "

" I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. "