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" We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. "

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" Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier. "

" I knew Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were really talented. As actors, they were both studly young men, and they had great writers' chops. "

" A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. "

" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

" I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor. "

" I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. "

" I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people. "

" The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery. "

Second Amendment

" I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, 'My boy's got learnin'!' "

" Reality: What a concept! "

" Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!' "

" I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born. "

" When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? "

" Performing comedy in San Francisco to begin with is pretty wild. You've got to - you've got the human game preserve to play off of. And it's a lot of great characters everywhere. You work off that, and then you play the rooms, and eventually you get to a point where you're playing a club that is a comedy club, with other comics. "

" I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience. "

" Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose. "

" Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly. "

" I bought one of the first Nintendo systems and brought that home, and we were playing 'Legend of Zelda' at the time, and it was addicting, and I was playing it for hours and hours and hours. "

" The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running. "

" We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins. "

" Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing. "

" The idea of having a steady job is appealing. "

" The 'Aladdin' thing - that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" I've never been asked to appear on 'I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!,' so I guess I mustn't be on the professional skids just yet. "

" Cricket is basically baseball on valium. "

" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

" I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way. "

" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "

" Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. "