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" The idea of Juilliard was that it would give you this toolbox full of skills that you could take with you and apply to anything. "

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" I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process. "

" When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? "

" I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. "

" The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. "

" My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly. "

" Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier. "

" Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party. "

" I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time. "

" There's a show in America where all these people compete with ferrets, and they don't even do anything. They basically just hold them up, and if they don't bite you, they might win. "

" We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. "

" It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work. "

" Reality: What a concept! "

" Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah. "

" The 'Aladdin' thing - that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend. "

" Carpe per diem - seize the check. "

" Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason. "

" Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person. "

" People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. "

" When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?' "

" I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. "

" I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken. "

" A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. "

" For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see. "

" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "

" Cricket is basically baseball on valium. "

" I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor. "

" I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way. "

" Comedy is acting out optimism. "

" You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. "

" Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it. "