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" As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live. "

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" Jack Abramoff is the world's best lobbyist - for the Federal Penitentiary System. "

" Rahm Emanuel is, we are almost certain, a vampire. "

" The bar is set pretty low if you want to be a hip, accessible conservative. "

" In midlife, we're as dumb as we get. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" Arguing, in the sense of attempting to convince others, has gone out of fashion with conservatives. "

" Accuse a person of breaking all Ten Commandments, and you've written the promo blurb for the dust cover of his tell-all memoir. "

Ten Commandments

" The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes to pay for greater spending, while Republicans are in favor of greater spending, for which the taxpayers will pay. "

" Are you a Democrat because you're a union member? Then why, after eight years of Bill Clinton, does some Chinese guy in Guangdong province have your job? "

" For decades in America, there has been an effort to ensure that the rights of those who are not sane are the same as the rights of those who are. "

" I have never Twittered or Tweeted or even Chirped. "

" Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. "

" Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there. "

" I believe in God. God created the world. "

" A Kindle returns us to the inconvenience of the scroll, except with batteries and electronic glitches. It's as handy as bringing Homer along to recite the 'Iliad' while playing a lyre. "

" Bill Clinton is not a hypocrite. If a man believes that it is just and moral to redistribute wealth, there is nothing hypocritical in his attempts to redistribute some of that wealth to himself. "

" Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. "

" There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives. "

" You're never going to read 'The Wealth of Nations,' and you shouldn't, really. It's 900 pages. "

" I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny. "

" Kids are disorganized. "

" I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer. "

" We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans. "

" When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money. "

" I don't understand anything about America's culture. "

" The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants. "

" People love to be told what they know already. "

" I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements. "

" A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. "

" Sheep farming is heavily subsidized in Great Britain. Without the subsidies, the green grazing in the valley of the River Exe would be gone. The handsome agricultural landscape of which the British are so proud, carefully husbanded since Boudicca's day, would be replaced by natural growth. The most likely growth is real-estate developments. "