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" There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. "

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" Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood and smiting the firstborn, give me a pass. And tell me when it's over. "

" Politicians will talk strategy and tactics and policies and programs until they're blue in the face, or you strangle them and they turn blue. "

" A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking. "

" There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. "

" I know quite a few fellow members of the news analysis and commentary business, and I have it from the highest-placed sources, on the record, that each and every one of our children is a genius. "

" Our regulatory bodies strive to create honest dealings, fair trades, and a situation in which no one has an advantage over anyone else. But human beings aren't honest. And all trades are made because one person thinks he's getting the better of the other, and the other person thinks the same. "

" Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that's when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past. "

" Like most sensible people, you probably lost interest in modern art about the time that Julian Schnabel was painting broken pieces of the crockery that his wife had thrown at him for painting broken pieces of crockery instead of painting the bathroom and hall. "

" The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first. A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway. "

" Preachers at black churches are the last people left in the English-speaking world who know the schemes and tropes of classical rhetoric: parallelism, antithesis, epistrophe, synecdoche, metonymy, periphrasis, litotes - the whole bag of tricks. "

" As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. "

" President Bush said that if illegal immigrants want citizenship, they'd have to do three things: pay taxes, hold meaningful jobs, and learn English. Bush doesn't meet those qualifications. "

" The job of the president of the United States is to talk to the public, is to explain to them. Now, some presidents talk too much, like Bill Clinton. Some presidents try to talk but don't know how, like George Bush senior. "

" I had always thought of Egypt as a rather secular country. And I think it is, but people are quite observant of the strictures of Ramadan. "

" Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. "

" Democrats hate success. "

" No Americans wants to see somebody lose their house because of health bills. Their boat? Maybe. Maybe the boat. But not the house. "

" Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box. "

" The body is forever teaching us lessons. There are all sorts of things that we can't do, shouldn't do, had better not do very often or do for too long as we get older. The body makes its presence known. "

" Americans are good at pursuing happiness. And the Americans who pursue happiness most diligently show that we're also good at running it down and killing it. "

" America's public schools have served their purpose. Free and compulsory education was good for a somewhat unpromising young nation. "

" The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. "

" We all know the types who listen to Pete Seeger songs; even Pete admits they aren't interesting. "

" Nobody is making Americans buy Chinese goods. "

" The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics. "

" Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them. "

" China is trying to become America without democracy while America is trying to become France without cheese calories. "

" I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now. "

" Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. "

" The average IQ in America is - and this can be proven mathematically - average. "