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" The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around. "

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" All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done. "

" America gives every appearance of being a nation besotted with trashiness - divorce, illegitimacy, casual Fridays. "

" Liberals want to live downtown. All over America - in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Georgetown - there are crowds of liberals living in the gritty, ugly, dirty neighborhoods sensible people are trying to flee. "

" Freedom is for fun. "

" Are you a Democrat because you're a union member? Then why, after eight years of Bill Clinton, does some Chinese guy in Guangdong province have your job? "

" The subculture of felons is in great vogue among adolescents. Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, and so forth allow us Republicans to say to America's young people, 'We be thugs.' The GOP may capture the youth vote at last. "

" I don't mind America becoming a Third World country. The weather is better in the Third World than it is where I live in New Hampshire. And household help will be much cheaper. "

" Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. "

" People love to be told what they know already. "

" Even the dumber parts of our government are not run by idiots. These are ordinary people like us, doing a job. By and large, they're trying to do it as well as they can. Or at least as often as people in the private sector try to do as well as they can. "

" I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about. "

" Not much was really invented during the Renaissance, if you don't count modern civilization. "

" The C student starts a restaurant. The A student writes restaurant reviews. "

" A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall. "

" Will Generation X and the Millennials do a better job running the world than the boomers have? Let's hope so. "

" Americans are good at pursuing happiness. And the Americans who pursue happiness most diligently show that we're also good at running it down and killing it. "

" I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. "

" Mikhail Gorbachev was the Jimmy Carter of the Communist bloc. The Russians hate him. "

" Jimmy Carter was - he still - he remains to this day America's most ex of ex-presidents. You just can't believe that we elected this doofus. He was a bright enough guy and sort of well-meaning. But he was about as prepared to be president of the United States as your goofy old uncle, you know, the one that memorises baseball statistics. "

" Political discourse has become so rotten that it's no longer possible to tell the stench of one presidential candidate from the stink of another. "

" Moviemakers are rewarded with tax write-offs if, when seeking a location that looks like America, they seek it in America. "

" Democrats hate stay-at-home spouses, no matter what gender or gender preference. "

" The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains. "

" The whole melodrama of the Middle East would be improved if amnesia were as common here as it is in melodramatic plots. "

" I like to argue with the radio. "

" Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that's when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past. "

" Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants. "

" In midlife, we're as dumb as we get. "

" The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it. "

" The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point. "