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" Everybody with a gun has a checkpoint in Lebanon. And in Lebanon, you'd be crazy not to have a gun. Though, I assure you, all the crazy people have guns, too. "

P. J. O'Rourke

People

You

Crazy

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" I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer. "

" If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life... it's the magic words 'I don't know.' "

" The world is being run by irresponsible spoiled brats. "

" Mikhail Gorbachev was the Jimmy Carter of the Communist bloc. The Russians hate him. "

" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "

" I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Tongue

Tough

" Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society. "

" Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God's grace. "

" Some taxpayers may object to a print journalism bailout on the grounds that it mostly benefits the liberal elite. And we can't blame taxpayers for being reluctant to subsidize the reportorial careers of J-school twerps who should have joined the Peace Corps and gone to Africa to 'speak truth to power' to Robert Mugabe. "

" There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have. "

" Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics. "

" Positive rights are the right to shelter, the right to education, the right to health care, the right to a living wage. These things are - these are, I would call them, more properly, political rights rather than positive rights. And they are extremely tricky, because now we are dealing with things that are zero sum. "

" Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such an excellent banjo player that you almost don't wish you had a pair of wire cutters. "

" The best and brightest don't go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Politics

Best

" People are not ants or bees. We do not reason or love or live or die collectively. "

" Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood and smiting the firstborn, give me a pass. And tell me when it's over. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Perfect

You

" There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner. "

" There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. "

" President Obama has contempt for real money. "

" What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention. "

" Freedom is for fun. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Fun

Freedom

" You don't despair about something like the Middle East, you just do the best you can. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Despair

Middle

" Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn't exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments. "

" The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. "

" Adam Smith pointed out that there were three things that make us more prosperous, in a general sort of way: freedom to pursue our own self-interest; specialization, which he called division of labor; and freedom of trade. "

" Fascism is very much a mob movement. "

" Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There's more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it's awfully close to human. "

" If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas. "

" The minute somebody joins a committee... they immediately suffer from committee brain. They become wildly over-enthusiastic, over-optimistic, over-pessimistic. Committees turn people into idiots, and politics is a committee. "

" When I board an airplane these days, all the middle-aged men are dressed like me - when I was an 8-year-old. They're in shorts and T-shirts. And it's not just on airplanes. It's in business offices, teachers' lounges, and churches. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Teachers

Men