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" I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Tongue

Tough

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" Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. "

" I like to argue with the radio. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Radio

Argue

" Soccer matches should be something special, something people eagerly look forward to, something that brightens life. "

" In Toledo, people grow out. Out to the suburbs. Out to the parts of America where the economy is more vigorous. And all too often, out to 48-inch waistbands. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Grow

People

" To blame the existence of al Qaeda on poverty like Egypt's is a slur on the poor. "

" America gives every appearance of being a nation besotted with trashiness - divorce, illegitimacy, casual Fridays. "

" Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. "

" The anti-individualist enemies that Ayn Rand battled are still the enemy, but they've shifted their line of attack. Political collectivists are no longer much interested in taking things away from the wealthy and creative. "

" Rahm Emanuel is, we are almost certain, a vampire. "

" Maybe climate change is a threat, and maybe climate change has been tarted up by climatologists trolling for research grant cash. It doesn't matter. "

" Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Important

Cleanliness

" The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? "

" One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history. "

" In the Soviet Union, no industry went under until they all did. "

" By the end of the 1950s, American cars were so reliable that their reliability went without saying even in car ads. Thousands of them bear testimony to this today, still running on the roads of Cuba though fueled with nationalized Venezuelan gasoline and maintained with spit and haywire. "

" A person has got to balance work and life and family in order to be a balanced person. "

" The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them to be responsible on the various adventures they have on their way to those goals, good, bad, and otherwise. "

" If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas. "

" Are you a Democrat because you're a union member? Then why, after eight years of Bill Clinton, does some Chinese guy in Guangdong province have your job? "

" All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done. "

" Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative. "

" Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby. "

" I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger. "

" Liberals want to live downtown. All over America - in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Georgetown - there are crowds of liberals living in the gritty, ugly, dirty neighborhoods sensible people are trying to flee. "

" I'm really tired of virtue. "

" There is only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican, and that is the Democrats. It's going to be hard to do a worse job running American than the Republicans have, but if anybody can do it, it's the Democrats. "

" When I was fifteen, I dreamed of living in the big city, as many a young person does if he is artistic and sensitive. By 'artistic and sensitive' I mean short, skinny, unkissed, bad at sports, and carrying a C average in high school. "

" In a free country, government is a dull and onerous responsibility. It is a parent-teacher conference. "

" Freedom is for fun. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Fun

Freedom

" Something is worth what somebody will pay for it. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Less

Nothing