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" I knew what I wanted to do, so I was constantly working on material once I got to KU. "

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" A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do. "

" Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again. "

" I think I deal with my anger toward my relationship or about my relationship or about my friendships or my family - I deal with it on stage in a passive-aggressive way, and that can be very harmful if it gets back to them, which it always does. "

" I love what I do, but living in one place for an entire year and not being on the road constantly was glorious. The road lifestyle is not ideal for a woman who's about to be thirty. "

" I just want to open people's eyes to different things. "

" I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind. "

" My standup is years and years of me working things out on the road. I'm really proud of it! A lot of it is about, well... I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel like every special or show I do is some variation on how I feel like I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. "

" My logic used to be if I get angry at my boyfriend, he could say, 'Well, if that thing I do that I don't want to stop doing makes you mad, I don't need to be with you. Bye!' And then he'd leave me. Forever. "

" I have always been scared of confrontation. My therapist says it stems from my fear of abandonment. "

" We just learned about this fetish where guys just give women money and know that they are spending their money. It's not like a sugar daddy thing. It's like financial domination, or something like that. These guys just want to give you money. "

" Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.' "

" I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I'm just like, 'Why wouldn't I? He doesn't want anything for it.' "

" I was going to go to a Gathering of the Juggalos but decided that wouldn't work. They would know I was there to make fun of them. It would be like me going to a Trump rally. "

" My sister was very, very beautiful and I was very not. Doing comedy is the greatest thing ever because you don't have to do that, and I've since learned to let go of that. "

" I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back. "

" The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus. "

" I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning. "

" I have to say that it's fun to write for young girls, and it's exciting to know that we're influencing them and they're looking at us like, 'I want to grow up and be like them.' I mean, I just made up the person saying that. "

" I went and hung out at a foot fetish party, and I knew that was a very popular fetish to have, but I didn't realize how amazing it would be to have it. "

" Rob Thomas loves nothing more than for couples to go on dates, and he loves chocolates. Boxes of 20 chocolates. "

" Why am I sharing this part of my life when it opens me up to judgment? But part of me wants to share that part of my life because I think non-monogamy is a normal thing for human beings to want. "

" All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think. "

" I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval. "

" As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it. "

" I won't tackle something like furries, because there's nothing new to say. Also, I won't do anything that I think will put my life at risk. "

" My boyfriend and I have finally learned how to embrace confrontation as something that will only help us as a couple. "

" I was lucky enough to find stand-up really early in life. And I'm so grateful that I did, because the second I found it, I was like, 'I know what I want to do'. "

" I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'. "

" I nannied for a couple of months. The kids were super-funny; it made me wish I grew up in a comedy household. But nannying is demoralizing. I'm just not cut out for it. "

" College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator. "