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" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "
Spike Milligan
Legs
Hero
Coward
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" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "
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" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "
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Five
" My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India. "
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Father
Time
Thought
" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "
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He
Perfect
Want
" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "
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Look
Race
Treat
" You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals. "
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Think
People
Animals
" I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
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Dying
Afraid
Want
" I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure. "
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Myself
People
Professional
" The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over. "
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Life
Chance
Planning
" For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. "
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Iron
Foot
Hand
" The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.' "
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War
Alone
Beauty
" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "
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Should
Occasion
Used
" I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships. "
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Like
Let Go
I Am
" My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings. "
Spike Milligan
Feelings
Children
Parents
" I can speak Esperanto like a native. "
Spike Milligan
Speak
Native
I Can
" We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating. "
Spike Milligan
Thinking
War
Cards
" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "
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Sure
Sit
Funny
" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "
Spike Milligan
Down
Spain
Socks
" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "
Spike Milligan
God
Electricity
Light
" I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "
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Mine
Why
Thought
" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "
Spike Milligan
Stars
Me
Life
" When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry. "
Spike Milligan
Over
Try
Sadness
" One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London. "
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Way
Important
India
" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "
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Better
Money
Got
" It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school. "
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Remember
Myself
Doing
" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "
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Happy
Ask
Me
" My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. "
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Influence
Father
Profound
" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "
Spike Milligan
Warrior
Father
Band
" Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her. "
Spike Milligan
She
Me
Doing
" Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently. "
Spike Milligan
Standing
Driver
Drive