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" Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently. "

Spike Milligan

Standing

Driver

Drive

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" I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. "

" I can speak Esperanto like a native. "

" You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "

Spike Milligan

Stars

Life

" Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like! "

" I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. "

" We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating. "

" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "

Spike Milligan

Happy

Ask

" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "

" I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. "

" I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "

" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "

" Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "

Spike Milligan

You

Money

" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "

" Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too. "

" For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. "

" It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school. "

" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "

" Things began to improve when I went to Rangoon. To begin with, my father was promoted, which meant he was at home more. The matriarchal society was ended, and for the first time, I went to a boys' school. "

" The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.' "

" My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India. "

" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "

" I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "

" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "

Spike Milligan

Perfect

Want

" One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London. "

" I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. "

" It's all in the mind, you know. "

" Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her. "

Spike Milligan

She

Doing