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" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "
Spike Milligan
God
Electricity
Light
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" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "
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Look
Race
Treat
" Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her. "
Spike Milligan
She
Me
Doing
" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "
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Sure
Sit
Funny
" Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too. "
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Stop
Think
Thankful
" We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating. "
Spike Milligan
Thinking
War
Cards
" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "
Spike Milligan
Happy
Ask
Me
" I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. "
Spike Milligan
Somebody
Years
Many
" Things began to improve when I went to Rangoon. To begin with, my father was promoted, which meant he was at home more. The matriarchal society was ended, and for the first time, I went to a boys' school. "
Spike Milligan
School
Father
Home
" I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships. "
Spike Milligan
Like
Let Go
I Am
" For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. "
Spike Milligan
Iron
Foot
Hand
" As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness. "
Spike Milligan
Illness
Depression
Disease
" It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school. "
Spike Milligan
Remember
Myself
Doing
" My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India. "
Spike Milligan
Father
Time
Thought
" Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. "
Spike Milligan
Worn
Working
Perfect
" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "
Spike Milligan
Warrior
Father
Band
" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "
Spike Milligan
Stars
Me
Life
" The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it. "
Spike Milligan
Trying
Us
Dinner
" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "
Spike Milligan
Down
Spain
Socks
" I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "
Spike Milligan
Mine
Why
Thought
" You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals. "
Spike Milligan
Think
People
Animals
" I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. "
Spike Milligan
Still
Hands
Prove
" Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "
Spike Milligan
More
You
Money
" I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. "
Spike Milligan
Think
Depression
Challenge
" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "
Spike Milligan
Legs
Hero
Coward
" I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure. "
Spike Milligan
Myself
People
Professional
" We reach a secondary road and - here comes the bonus - we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines of soldiers' washing. At last they had been put to practical use. If only the ancient Greeks had known. "
Spike Milligan
Road
Temple
Looking
" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "
Spike Milligan
Going
You
Come
" My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. "
Spike Milligan
Influence
Father
Profound
" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "
Spike Milligan
He
Perfect
Want
" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "
Spike Milligan
Should
Occasion
Used