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All Quotes by author - Spike Milligan

" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "

" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "

" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "

" As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "

" Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently. "

" For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships. "

" I can speak Esperanto like a native. "

" I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure. "

" I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. "

" I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence. "

" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "

" I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. "

" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "

" I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "

" I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. "

" I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. "

" Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like! "

" Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. "

" I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "

" It's all in the mind, you know. "

" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "

" It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school. "

" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "

" Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "

" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "

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