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" It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school. "

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" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "

Spike Milligan

God

Electricity

Light

" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "

" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it. "

Spike Milligan

Trying

Dinner

" I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. "

" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "

" I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. "

" Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like! "

" You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals. "

" Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "

Spike Milligan

You

Money

" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "

Spike Milligan

Stars

Life

" I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "

Spike Milligan

Happy

Ask

" I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence. "

" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "

Spike Milligan

Perfect

Want

" Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her. "

Spike Milligan

She

Doing

" Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently. "

" I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. "

" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "

" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "

" I can speak Esperanto like a native. "

" As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness. "

" My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. "

" My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India. "

" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "

" One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London. "

" The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over. "

" I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. "