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" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "

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" The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over. "

Spike Milligan

Life

Chance

Planning

" My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings. "

" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure. "

" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "

Spike Milligan

Perfect

Want

" Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. "

" It's all in the mind, you know. "

" I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. "

" Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too. "

" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "

Spike Milligan

Stars

Life

" I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it. "

Spike Milligan

Trying

Dinner

" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "

" My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. "

" I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence. "

" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "

" We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating. "

" My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India. "

" I can speak Esperanto like a native. "

" Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently. "

" I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. "

" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "

" As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness. "

" The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.' "

" I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships. "

Spike Milligan

Let Go

I Am

" Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "

Spike Milligan

You

Money

" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "

" Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like! "