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" People say free trade causes dislocation. In actual fact, it's the lowering of trade barriers that causes the dislocation. "

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" Some taxpayers may object to a print journalism bailout on the grounds that it mostly benefits the liberal elite. And we can't blame taxpayers for being reluctant to subsidize the reportorial careers of J-school twerps who should have joined the Peace Corps and gone to Africa to 'speak truth to power' to Robert Mugabe. "

" Cars let us out of the barn and, while they were at it, destroyed the American nuclear family. As anyone who has had an American nuclear family can tell you, this was a relief to all concerned. "

" Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" Kids are disorganized. "

" War expands government powers. The trouble is that, when the war goes away, the government powers do not. "

" As a nation, Kuwait has been, arguably, free of freedom itself. Claimed in turn by Constantinople, Riyadh, and Baghdad, Kuwait has survived by playing Turks off Persians, Arabs off one another, and the English off everyone. "

" My dad died when I was young; my mom remarried with more haste than sense to a fellow... he wasn't evil or anything, but he was worthless. "

" Politicians will talk strategy and tactics and policies and programs until they're blue in the face, or you strangle them and they turn blue. "

" I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. "

" Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. "

" Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. "

" All religious believers should be licensed to make sure that they are competent to hold opinions and viewpoints and that they don't believe in just any old thing, such as creationism or a flat tax. "

" I have never been to a museum in Hong Kong, or a movie or a play. I've never gone club-hopping. I've never taken the tram to Victoria Peak. "

" The purpose of sports - even foreign sports - is not to bore people. "

" Earnestness is stupidity sent to college. "

" Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could. "

" My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. "

" Wealth brings great benefits to the world. Rich people are heros. "

" The good thing about SUVs is they have storage. "

" As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. "

" Term limits aren't enough. We need jail. "

" A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking. "

" Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them. "

" The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains. "

" Arguing, in the sense of attempting to convince others, has gone out of fashion with conservatives. "

" I don't watch much television. "

" Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. "

" Only a few good leaders have paused to reflect seriously on being leaders. "

" If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life... it's the magic words 'I don't know.' "