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" The garden is something I always try to get into, but it always beats me. "

Dominic Holland

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" I am a professional comedian, a published novelist, and a general wit for hire. "

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" I find it pressurising coming to the Voodoo Rooms to do my hour of comedy. "

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" I am not a natural show-off. Some of the monster comedians are terrifyingly assured, and I don't have that, and that's held me back. "

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" When I phoned up and said, 'Mum, I'm doing a 52-date national tour with Eddie Izzard,' she said 'That's nice, dear. How are you?' "

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" Apathy in youth culture is pretty stark. "

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" Tom has a gilded life which I have had a glimpse of. Yes, he does travel in private jets. "

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" Never trust a television executive. "

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" Stand-up comedy is not for the faint-hearted or the thin-skinned. "

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" When I was a little boy, I was fascinated by the way my dad used to laugh at the telly, and from a very early age, I had an idea of what was funny and why people laughed. "

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" Edinburgh is the most pressurised environment to do comedy. You get an hour. There's no compere. You'd better be on the money straight away; you've got journalists in. "

Dominic Holland

" All kids should vote - it gives them the opportunity to whinge afterwards because you can't complain if you haven't voted. "

Dominic Holland

" It's because finance is so baffling that makes being an economist such a safe option. It nestles down comfortably with psychiatry and astrology as a profession where getting it patently wrong is just not a problem - and also, rather wonderfully, seems to have no adverse affect on their professional standing whatsoever. "

Dominic Holland

" Making people laugh is the only thing I've ever done naturally. "

Dominic Holland

" I had a crisis of confidence and ran away from being a standup for a while. "

Dominic Holland

" How I've fed my kids over the years is by doing stand-up comedy in clubs. "

Dominic Holland

" Doing stand-up is not normal. People fear public speaking above all other things, and I am no different. "

Dominic Holland

" I'm a confident person next to the guy in the street, but if you go into the showbiz world, it seems the guys who are most successful are the most confident, and I don't think I fit into that category. "

Dominic Holland

" I just talk about the funny things in my life, and the idea is that my observations reflect the lives of my audience - so people are really laughing at themselves. This is the theory, anyway, and I am aware that in print, that it doesn't appear to be very funny. But it is, and I am definitely funny. "

Dominic Holland

" Even though Bandos is one of the biggest islands in the Maldives, it only takes 20 minutes to walk round. All it has are some chalets and a little harbour centre with three restaurants and a bar. The food is magnificent. "

Dominic Holland

" I always think stand-up is the most brutal environment for a comedian. "

Dominic Holland

" Because it's such a good car, I think we'll have a Multipla till the kids leave home, which is tragic because I could probably afford a really nice car! "

Dominic Holland

" I've written 'Eclipsed' as a funny story. It is completely bonkers. "

Dominic Holland

" Growing up, I was always enthralled by Ronnie Barker. He made my dad howl with laughter, which always intrigued me, and he had the rare gift of being as good a performer as he was a writer. "

Dominic Holland

" Many years ago, I was a young and, dare I say it, very hot new comedian. Maybe even the hottest of all if the now defunct Perrier panel of judges were to be believed. "

Dominic Holland

" I even like the Scottish weather because, like everywhere in the U.K., you can't have great beauty without lots of rain. "

Dominic Holland

" I must say that I am rather partial to funny dog videos. "

Dominic Holland

" When I do a show, I jot little notes for me to remember, and when the show is done and forgotten, I chuck them all over the car. My wife goes nuts. "

Dominic Holland

" My Fiat Multipla is bright green - it looks like a frog. I look like a monkey, so between the two of us, we are a hideous prospect. It's the ugliest car on the road but the most practical, and I would live and die by it. "

Dominic Holland

" Invest your money safely. Avoid the risky lure of spectacular returns; go for an investment that cannot lose its value. This is why I have put all my spare cash into buying not shares, but thousands of penny chews. "

Dominic Holland

" I got heckled by a woman, and my riposte fixed upon her unfortunate hair texture, only for her to remove her wig and reveal to the room the horrors of chemotherapy. "

Dominic Holland