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" The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point. "

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" Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye. "

" I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning. "

" I am unboreable in the great outdoors. "

" Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. "

" A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. "

" Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box. "

" Toledo is better than exciting, it's happy. Because nothing is more conducive to unhappiness than taking yourself seriously, and taking yourself seriously is difficult when you're baseball team is the Mud Hens. "

" Politics won't allow for the truth. "

" The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. "

" Philosophy was once considered science. "

" I'm not a tech-savvy parent. I communicate with my children via the old-media format called yelling. "

" I'm really tired of virtue. "

" You've got to understand, people are motivated by fun. And they should be. "

" I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. "

" We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scutter. "

" I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now. "

" A friend of mine at the American Enterprise Institute says there are two parties: the silly party and the stupid party. I'm too old for the silly party, so I had to join the stupid party. "

" New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State's registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they're going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can't understand what they say. "

" They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.' "

" Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty. "

" The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first. A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway. "

" America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased. "

" I live in rural New Hampshire, and we are, frankly, short on people who are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short on people. My town has a population of 301. "

" The laws of the marketplace are physical laws, and they don't become suspended in a crisis any more than the law of gravity does. "

" Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society. "

" The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen. "

" Something is worth what somebody will pay for it. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less. "

" The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it. "

" What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text. "

" Americans are good at pursuing happiness. And the Americans who pursue happiness most diligently show that we're also good at running it down and killing it. "