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" There is nothing quite as loud as the silence of an audience when a comedian is on stage. "
Dominic Holland
Audience
Nothing
Stage
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" When I phoned up and said, 'Mum, I'm doing a 52-date national tour with Eddie Izzard,' she said 'That's nice, dear. How are you?' "
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" I have tried many times to write a TV sitcom - with little success. "
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" I am a professional comedian, a published novelist, and a general wit for hire. "
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" Making people laugh is the only thing I've ever done naturally. "
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" When I do a show, I jot little notes for me to remember, and when the show is done and forgotten, I chuck them all over the car. My wife goes nuts. "
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" Tom has a gilded life which I have had a glimpse of. Yes, he does travel in private jets. "
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" It's not cool to be star-struck. "
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" It's because finance is so baffling that makes being an economist such a safe option. It nestles down comfortably with psychiatry and astrology as a profession where getting it patently wrong is just not a problem - and also, rather wonderfully, seems to have no adverse affect on their professional standing whatsoever. "
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Finance
" Even though Bandos is one of the biggest islands in the Maldives, it only takes 20 minutes to walk round. All it has are some chalets and a little harbour centre with three restaurants and a bar. The food is magnificent. "
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Food
Three
Walk
" Many years ago, I was a young and, dare I say it, very hot new comedian. Maybe even the hottest of all if the now defunct Perrier panel of judges were to be believed. "
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Say
Hot
Young
" The house I've bought in London, the holidays, everything has been bought from making people laugh, and if you'd said to me when I was 14 that's how I was going to make my living, I would have smiled from ear to ear. "
Dominic Holland
Me
You
People
" Seeing a full room of punters queuing for my show is always heartening. "
Dominic Holland
Show
Always
Full
" As a parent, I often wonder what I should be encouraging my kids to do for a career. "
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Wonder
Should
Career
" Where I live in south London, it is a very Tory area, so a Labour vote is a wasted vote. My leanings would certainly be not to vote Tory. "
Dominic Holland
Vote
London
Live
" I was spectacularly average at school, while my two brothers did really well academically. But my dad never said I didn't try hard enough. He knew I did my best. "
Dominic Holland
Best
School
Try
" I might get a break again, and I might get back on telly. If I don't, I'll just keep doing stand-up and doing the best gigs I can. "
Dominic Holland
Again
Back
Best
" I am not a natural show-off. Some of the monster comedians are terrifyingly assured, and I don't have that, and that's held me back. "
Dominic Holland
Me
Back
I Am
" I got heckled by a woman, and my riposte fixed upon her unfortunate hair texture, only for her to remove her wig and reveal to the room the horrors of chemotherapy. "
Dominic Holland
Got
Chemotherapy
Woman
" It is the natural order of things that successive generations will achieve more than their predecessors. "
Dominic Holland
Natural
Will
Achieve
" My story is comic because I've spent vast amounts of effort trying to become a Hollywood screenwriter and made no direct effort on making my son a movie actor. "
Dominic Holland
Story
Trying
Hollywood
" My Fiat Multipla is bright green - it looks like a frog. I look like a monkey, so between the two of us, we are a hideous prospect. It's the ugliest car on the road but the most practical, and I would live and die by it. "
Dominic Holland
Die
Live
Road
" No one likes a pushy parent, and, 'pride' being one of the seven deadly sins, I needed to tread very carefully when creating a show about my eldest son, Tom, better known as Peter Parker and even better known as Marvel's new 'Spider-Man.' "
Dominic Holland
Son
Better
Creating
" Edinburgh is the most pressurised environment to do comedy. You get an hour. There's no compere. You'd better be on the money straight away; you've got journalists in. "
Dominic Holland
Comedy
Better
You
" My job is to make people laugh. If I've upset them instead, then I haven't done my job properly. "
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Done
Laugh
Job
" Invest your money safely. Avoid the risky lure of spectacular returns; go for an investment that cannot lose its value. This is why I have put all my spare cash into buying not shares, but thousands of penny chews. "
Dominic Holland
Investment
Value
Lose
" I'm a confident person next to the guy in the street, but if you go into the showbiz world, it seems the guys who are most successful are the most confident, and I don't think I fit into that category. "
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World
You
Street
" I just talk about the funny things in my life, and the idea is that my observations reflect the lives of my audience - so people are really laughing at themselves. This is the theory, anyway, and I am aware that in print, that it doesn't appear to be very funny. But it is, and I am definitely funny. "
Dominic Holland
I Am
My Life
People
" I am the first to admit that I have never been a household name. "
Dominic Holland
Admit
Been
Never
" Edinburgh is a world city, visited throughout the year for its beauty and history, but in August, it is the City of Hope. There is something very exciting and romantic about performers of all shapes and sizes, honing their stuff for the biggest arts festival in the world. "
Dominic Holland
City
Romantic
Hope
" For comics, Edinburgh makes no financial or medical sense. Get an audience; that's the first task. Once the punters are in, simply make them laugh for an hour, and then sweat on the critics. "
Dominic Holland
Task
Financial
Laugh