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" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

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" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "